Yes, I think it’s been sneaking up on me for the past month or so. And last night, it happened. I had my first ever big meltdown. I did not like it much at all.
I feel a little guilty for having a meltdown for a few reasons:
First, I know that I do not live by my own strength. I know that I am not alone and that God will never give me any more than I can handle. I believe that with everything.
Second, I am well aware that my life is very blessed. I have no reason to complain. Not everyone is able to get a college education, have a job that is very flexible, or plan a dream wedding to the sexiest guy in the whole world.
Third, and I think lastly, I sort of felt like a failure because I don’t really think that this season of my life is terrible at all. I actually think that it is wonderful. I am graduating from college, I am getting my teaching license, and I am getting married.
Nonetheless, last night it all seemed like the worst thing in the world and the pressure became so overwhelming that I started crying right in the middle of a domino game with Aaron.
I tried to ignore it for awhile, and we kept playing. But soon I was sobbing and my poor fiancé’s shirt was drenched. I kept thinking of all the things that I needed to do, and it all seemed impossible and never-ending. It did not help that it was almost 10:00 at night and I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was fall asleep with Aaron all night. And I knew I couldn’t do that, so that made it worse. The thought of sleeping alone seemed just as bad as my piling thoughts of doom.
It was not a good situation. I cried so hard that I made myself throw up. Just when I would calm down a little bit I would start again. I know that Aaron must love me if he can put up with me when I am like that.
He talked to me for over an hour, he told me stories about when he had a meltdown during his senior year of college, and he reminded me that I am definitely not alone in everything that I am doing.
Most importantly, he prayed with me and we both recognized that I could not only rely on him through these next couple months. He is there to help, but there is Someone who loves me even more than Aaron does. Now that’s pretty awesome. Because I am pretty sure Aaron loves me a whole lot. 🙂
He made me feel so much better. Of course, just when I was feeling so much better I remembered that I had to leave him.
But Aaron is wonderful (if you didn’t know). So much so that he drove all the way to my house at 11:00 to follow me home and talk to me on the phone. He took me inside, made sure I was okay, then talked to me on the phone all the way back to his house.
Have I already said that he is the best friend in the whole world and I can’t wait to marry him? It’s true.
Anyway, you would think that was the end of it. I wish it was. But I still could not calm down enough to sleep. I had major separation anxiety last night when he left. I prayed, but I could not stop crying. I ended up going downstairs and crawling in bed with my mom because I could not bring myself to be alone. I finally fell asleep singing “Jesus Loves Me” in my head. Really. It was about 1:00 in the morning.
Needless to say, I am not at school today. I felt a little better when I woke up, and I feel better and better as the day goes on. I am going to use this day to clear my head, pray, and get ahead on some things for school.
I have the new Passion CD that came out today on my iPod “stuck on replay.” Especially these two parts:
“In all things, we know that we are more than conquerors. You keep us by Your love.”
“And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, than who could stand against?”
One last thing:
I love you, Aaron. You are amazing and wonderful and I am so glad that you are my best friend.
The Beginning of Always 